floating around

a week ago, i was given the privilege to support our ministers and foreign delegates in the annual ministerial forum on ict. my role was to ensure network functionality in the ballroom. the topics were mainly on strategic planning and deployment of ict systems - very theoritical and business oriented, truely an eye opener.

after a month of lessons and years of procrastination, i finally obtained the golf pc. true to the words of my uncle, playing on the green is different from practising in the range - where it is harder to hit the ball on the green. my shots weren't accurate and one of balls even rolled back after it ricocheted off a tree from my tee shot. *first timer's jitters* nevertheless, i will continue to work on my swings before going for further lessons as i plan to play competitively.

the Singapore flyer ran a promotion for all students to board for $10. not wanting to miss this opportunity, i took my maiden ride (special thanks to sim) on the world's tallest ferris wheel. along the way, i made 2 new friends who are indonesian studying here. we took turns to take photos for each other and exchanged cultural facts. as we ascended to the top, the national day parade rehearsal was visible. judging from the sights and sounds, it could be the best parade ever. pity that i am not allocated tickets for this year's parade.

this morning's event took me for a walk through memory lane. i was asked to represent my cc in the 4x200m relay at a grassroot event which was also held in conjunction with the ayg torch relay (yck stadium). for the record, i started off as a 200m/400m sprinter before switching to long distance and racewalk events. the carnival atmosphere was a reminiscent of my primary school sports day where i ran and fell on the muddy school field. *flashback* although i didn't fall this time, i still enjoyed myself thoroughly. it is good to be in a "sports day like event" once in a while.

the truth is i don't know

this entry will be based on serene's account.

last saturday, someone (close to her) asked me why did we buy a flat when we were not stable yet?

i might not be smart but i am not stupid either. why would i want to buy a house with a puppy relationship? for your information, it was serene who initiated the idea and there were a number of interviews after that because i had to be sure that she was ready for it. since she said yes and she wouldn't stray, i trusted her. as for me, i will not let a relationship go unless my partner is dishonest or unfaithful.

the same person also asked me: "was she unfaithful to you"

her definition of unfaithful was : "being in a relationship with some other people while having a present one." to add on, it is like having your partner sleeping around. love is not a game of golf where it takes a handful to tee off.

what caused it?

i must admit that i am a green horn when it comes to relationship. However, i dare to touch my heart and say that i had given my best to be a nice boyfriend and a good hubby in time to come. perhaps, people who are close to me or even serene herself can attest that i did not ill treat her.

after we bought the flat, she made a comment: "even though we have a flat, if you do not propose, i am still single and free to look around." "... i can get anyone i want..." proposal comes naturally before a marriage. if she had been patient, she would have gotten it this year.

when she told me that she wanted to give up the flat because she was not happy with me and she was not given any freedom, i was like "huh, since when did i restrict her? in fact, i was the one who was being controlled. when i confronted her a few days later, she said that she didn't mean it. so i reminded her not to crack this joke and left things as it was.

on our last outing, i brought her to get her hair rebonded, went for dinner and she even came to my place to said hi to my mom. from her actions, i assumed that everything was ok until she dropped the bomb when she got home. she bluntly told me that she has lost her feelings for me. after that, she went into denial mode. for everything that i asked, her replies were "i don't know and i am not sure."

on the day we broke up, she admitted that she has someone else in her life and added: "why must you make me choose? can't i have both guys?" when i chose to back out, she asked for a second chance. After some consideration, i decided to give our relationship other go, but her answers were still “i don’t know and i am not sure”. She even took a step further and continued going out with that guy. how can i accept a person who is beyond sinned?

When i learnt about the penalty for surrending the flat, i called her and told her to reconsider. We even fixed a date to meet but she backed out at the last min citing that she do not wish to patch up.

after wishing her the best with her new love, her reply was: “i do not have any happiness feeling at all.” She also attempted to push everything to me, saying that if i had met her on certain days, we would be together already. There is something which i do not understand - how did the bargaining power get to her?

recently i received her text which read : “do you think everything is too late? My mind wish that we can be together again, but i know you don’t want anymore, because i bluffed you too many times and the trust is gone.”

me: “why do you want to consider when you told me that you no longer have any feelings for me?”

her: “ i am feeling miserable. My heart is floating around. I don’t know what i want. My feelings were drifting. It’s 50 50.

me: where are your 50s?

her: 50 with you and 50 with the other guy.

me: then go to the other guy, i believe that you will be happier.

her: what makes you think so? Why must you do this to me?

me: you and me were engaged with a flat minus rom and customary. To make you drift, surely the guy is more attractive than me.

so i ended the conversation by telling her to continue drifting while my ship is docked at the harbour.

i appreciate her family's efforts to speak up on my behalf. however, i was not pleased when they told me to hold on to the flat, let her go to the other guy first while i try to win her back. they also said that they are unable to talk to her when her mood is bad. why should i be the one trying when their princess is in the wrong?

in the past, i thought of letting her go but i told myself that she would change and she is not that bad. i do not mind doing anything for her. it's worthy for someone you love, but was i really being loved by her?

questionable week

weird things surfaced over the past few days. i attempted many things but flopped at the execution stage.

track training was a disaster. last wednesday, i finished a long run with a pair of painful lungs and knees. fitness might be a factor but i do not remember experiencing anything like that when i do my morning walks to office.

my last golf class (for beginners) was like a billard session. coach made us practise with fairway woods and i had problems lifting the ball off the ground. somehow, my swings went haywire and i even had some airshots. as a result, 90% of my balls rolled and hit other balls lying on the fairway (i actually "pocket" some balls into the pin). i am very worried for my pc test on 23/6 because i want to do well.

met up with my uni gang last friday where we dined and sang. my uni friends are a fantastic group of people who went through thick and thin together in school and it is really a bless to be able to maintain this friendship beyond our stint in sim. *heart my gang* the food at hard rock was good. i loved the argus beef in my burger. unfortunately, the noise level got pretty high when the live band started playing. hence, we adjourned to partyworld @ shenton way for another round of fun. it was my first time hearing my friends sing and they are really good singers except for me. i guess i embarrassed myself and all the bathroom singers.

went back to office earlier to check on the systems for tomorrow's ministerial forum. i will definitely pray for a day of fun.

someone msn-ed me on saturday and asked if my ex was unfaithful to me.

in return, i asked her : "how do you define as being unfaithful"
her: "when she looks for someone else while being in the r/s with you?"
me: "you just answered your own question"
her: "why did you all apply for flat when the r/s was not stable?"
me: "we were stable when we applied and it was her idea. i was actually against it but she said that her mind was set"
her: "oh, it's her decision as to who she wanna marry"
me: "yes, everybody?"

in my previous entry, i mentioned about staying committed before any other plans can take place. when people asked me what happened to my relationship with serene, i could only relate whatever she conveyed to me because i am still in the dark over everything. perhaps i will discuss more in my next entry....

supper @ serangoon

met up with my racewalking group for supper @ upper serangoon road.

we spoke about recent issues, in particularly with racewalking.

it is saddening to learn that some coaches are training athletes to walk because it "is an easy event" to be picked to represent the state, owing to the lacklustre response of it. i have personally attended those trainings and the athletes are like prisoners doing sand bag pt instead of individuals with the will to succeed. why are people talking about training plans and yog when the minimium level of committment does not exist? fame and fortune can really declude a person.

junior walkers nowadays are lucky because organisers are customising races in order for them to win medals so that they will be motivated to continue walking. i didn't enjoy such benefits when i was a junior athlete and i was even made to compete with the seniors. it was either you win or you go home with nothing environment. i struggled and only managed to represent the state after 3 years of training.

since i do not have to work next saturday, i wonder if i should go to ipoh for starwalk.

it's the way we move

i finished first in the 1600m walk at the swift meet. coaches commented that i was fooling around during the race because i looked like i was doing fartlek instead of engaging in a proper race. it wasn't done on purpose because i am still nursing an injury.

spent friday evening with my colleague at cenele and city view. the thing that i like about cenele is the cakes they serve - innovative and tasty. however, after tasting yanlin's cheesecake earlier, i realise that good cakes actually come from personal touches. *thanks yanz for the wonderful cakes* nevertheless, the main courses tasted just as good but the servings were tad small. after dinner, we adjourned to city view for drinks. it was my first time going to the 70th floor of raffles city which also brings me a step closer to equinox.

saturday's night was the most comical one of my life. yuji and cc brought me to monkeys cafe at orchard tower where kumar was performing. his jokes were so well orchestrated that he used sex lingo to touch on our everyday lives. as the club was also celebrating hen's night and birthdays, i was picked by the birthday girl to go on stage for kumar's barrage of activities. i was made to do pole dance for the girl and she gave me a lap dance in return. haha before your brains get sleezy, it was all done in an innocent and comical fashion.

pity that i didn't get the babe's number.